B-GRADE SUPERHEROES. 9.11.06
For every superhero who becomes a legend, there are three or four who fall through the cracks, and end up working at Crate & Barrel. My cousin and I have a few thoughts on which identities are sure-fire failures.
Blue Collar Bandito. A mighty warrior by day, the man known to most as the antacid-popping Gus Cheever peels off his crime-fighting garb at precisely 5:00pm and clocks out, spending the rest of the evening at McDreary's Pub. No evildoer escapes his wrath... unless the crime occurs on his lunch hour.
- Powers: No weapon can harm him worse than his triple bypass already has.
- Weakness: Rapists and murderers run wild in the streets whenever he takes his two-week vacation in Atlantic City.
Honeylegs. Having developed a skill for applying honey to body parts as a young child in Zaire, Honeylegs goes with what he knows.
- Powers: Dumps honey onto criminals' legs, spoiling their hopes of escaping.
- Weakness: Has honey all over his own legs for some reason, which is uncomfortable and inhibiting.
iAvenger. A true 21st century superhero, iAvenger utilizes the latest and greatest technologies to thwart evil. Also, his costume is super-cool, and comes in six wild metallic colors.
- Powers: Wristwatch can emit an electrical pulse, fire tranquilizer darts, and also holds 15,000 MP3s.
- Weakness: Effectiveness of wi-fi weapons may vary by zip code; please consult your Internet service provider before summoning iAvenger.
The Dynamic Diddy. As the twin brother of a famous rapper who shall go unnamed, The Dynamic Diddy doesn't actually fight crime... he just goes into the police files and finds obscure criminal cases that were solved 25 years ago, then changes a few names around and takes full credit.
- Powers: Has a lot of fancy shoes.
- Weakness: Serves no fucking benefit to the community whatsoever.