MASQUERADING AS A GREAT BOYFRIEND. 11.15.06
For centuries, men believed there were only two successful ways to approach a romantic relationship with a female: either spend every last dime, every ounce of effort, and every waking minute in pathetic servitude... or, pay no attention to her whatsoever, and refuse to do so much as hold a door open in her presence. But now, thanks to the wonders of blogging technology, we men can have our supple, fleshy cake, and eat it too. Behold: the secrets to masquerading as a quality boyfriend, with minimal expense on your part.
- Tell your gal that you have to go on a 3-day business trip... the train leaves at 3:26 and you'd love for her to come see you off. Pack a fake suitcase and drive with her to the train station. Do your lovie-dovie thing on the platform, get on the train and wave to her, and then as it starts pulling away, jump off the train and run back into her arms, exclaiming passionately that you can't bare to be away for that long.
- Steal $20 out of her purse on Tuesday. Steal $20 out of her purse on Wednesday. Steal $20 out of her purse on Thursday. Then, on Friday, tell her you want to treat her to dinner, and use that ill-gotten money to pay for both your meals.
- Take her to Victoria's Secret and tell her you'll pay for anything she gets there as long as it's kinky. Then, while she's in the dressing room, get the number of the hottest chick working there (all VS employees are sluts, so she won't mind that you have a girlfriend). On top of the booty call you've solidified, you'll have yourself an in with someone who gets the employee's discount at VS, so you can buy birthday and christmas gifts for your girl at 50% off, and she'll be none the wiser.
- Create a library of text message templates to send to her at random times throughout the week. This way, she'll feel she's constantly on your mind, even though you're just selecting a random message with total disregard for its relevance. For instance, when you're drunk off your ass at a bar with your buddies watching the Yankee game, just take a second to select a saved message like "Thinkin' of you..." and hit send. She'll probably reply, but don't text her back; instead, let her get anxious and horny, and then cash in later that night.
- En route to your girlfriend's house, find yourself a cemetery and pull over. Take a stroll around the graves and grab the nicest bouquet you can find. If you're feeling ill about stealing flowers from the deceased (you pussy), leave a piece of paper on the grave that reads, "I.O.U.: one human soul".
- If your girl's getting fat, ask your buddies to come meet you at the bar you and your girlfriend are hanging out at, and tell them that as soon as they get there they should start making jokes about your girlfriend's weight. You'll then pretend to get really pissed at them, and storm out of the bar with your girl and head home. Make a big deal about it, reassure her that she's perfect in every way (it's no matter now- she's already heard that she's fat, so the seed has been planted), and then tell her you're so pissed that you're going to go back out to the bar to give your asshole buddies a piece of your mind. Kiss her goodnight and then head out to the strip club with said buddies.