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EXCERPTS FROM MY DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENT.  8.9.06

It's not often I make the trip to the doctor's office, so I figured, why not celebrate with a post? Well, I'm sure there's a very good reason why not, but I've been too busy scratching myself to figure it out. At any rate, enjoy some of the excerpts from my visit.

1. When was the last time you had a check-up?
2. Pfft... I'm sure it was like, six years ago. That's my cycle.
3. Your "cycle" is six years between visits?
4. Yeah, like clockwork.
5. Really. So I can pencil you in for an appointment this week in 2012?
6. Well I mean, I'll have to check my schedule.

1. Been eating well?
2. Eh... is there anything healthy about eating frozen pizza for dinner?
3. Definitely not.
4. Hmm. Howbout three straight weeks of eating frozen pizza for dinner? Does that make it any better?
5. You want my professional advice? Get a girlfriend, and have her cook for you.
6. Shit, that is a good idea.
7. Watch out though, you might end up marrying her, like I did.
8. Hmm.

1. How did you get this? Looks like a burn.
2. I sit with my laptop on my lap. One day I just had my boxers on, and I think the laptop touched my groin through the pee-hole in my boxers. The thing was hot as all hell. I threw my laptop in a fit of rage.
3. Ah, the laptop-on-the-groin problem.
4. You've encountered it before?
5. Yes, a couple times now. I guess I'm still trying to figure out why so many people seem to enjoy being half-naked with a laptop on their crotch.
6. Maybe it's a male dominance thing.
7. How do you mean?
8. I dunno... I was hoping I could say that and then you'd come up with some extravagant explanation to validate it.
9. Alright, I'll think about it.

1. Have you had a colonoscopy yet?
2. Nope... I probably should.
3. Yes, considering colon cancer seems to run in your family on both sides.
4. I think my mom's side has more prostate and breast cancer than colon... is that a better one to have, relatively speaking?
5. You're asking if prostate cancer is better than colon cancer?
6. Well I mean, which one hurts less.... or kills you quicker...
7. Well, you don't have to die from either of them if you get checked out early enough; hence the colonoscopy.
8. Yeah but all the same, I think I'd rather it just kill me. I'd like to avoid all the drama.

1. You've developed some bags under your eyes... do you sleep okay?
2. Hmm, I sleep fine for the most part.
3. You may wake up feeling alright, but I'll bet you don't get seven hours.
4. Depends on the day I guess. Oh, but I just remembered this: sometimes, I wake up gasping for air, and I feel like I'm seconds away from suffocating to death.
5. ...
6. ...
7. It's probably nothing. Sounds like more of a psychological thing.
8. So you're saying it's "probably nothing" in the way that a mountain lion eating your torso is "probably nothing", simply because there's not much you can do about it.
9. I wouldn't have thought to put it that way.
10. Well, feel free to use it as an example with your other patients.
11. Sounds great. I was through being a reputable physician anyway.