I.T. DEPARTMENT CONFESSIONS. 7.8.06
To commemorate my recent departure from employment in an I.T. Department, I'd like to bestow these bundles of joy upon you all: some of my most pathetic client calls ever. Seems like every job I work at, the people get dumber and lazier and crankier... is that what happens when you climb the corporate ladder?
Notice how all conversations end with the client saying, "I'll call you back". Not "thanks", "sorry", or "holy shit, I'm a moron"... just "I'll call you back", which is short for, "I'll call you back when I feel I have an issue you can't figure out, therefore negating what occured in this previous conversation and absolving me of having to admit to being a jackass."
As an added bonus, the last exchange is the phone call that broke the camel's back, so to speak... when I decided it was time to move on from this magically delicious work environment to something else. Enjoy!
- Help! I can't use my keyboard OR my screen!
- Pardon? What do you me-
- Jesus... i need a flashlight or something. How am I gonna get any work done?! You guys have flashlights down at your building?
- Ma'am, what is the issue.
- You didn't hear? The power went out at our store!
- Ok... we don't control the power... do you have a specific issue?
- Are you thick?? Listen to me: I need to get this work done on my computer, but I can't see it because all the power in the building is out! So do you have a flashlight or something you could send up ASAP?
- Your PC runs on electricity. If the power is out, your PC will not run.
- ...
- ...
- What about the Internet though? Won't that run?
- Sure. Give us a ring back when you've found an Internet-capable PC that doesn't use electricity, and we'll send you up a flashlight.
- Ok, lemme call you back.
- What the heck is my login for this computer again?
- What's your name?
- Tatiana Smith.
- Ok, so your username is 'tsmith'.
- K... is that the same spelling as my name?
- Huh? Uh, yes... it is your name. Now your password is the last 4 of your SSN.
- Ok... nope, didn't work. This is what I thought it was before when it wasn't working. It's gotta be something different.
- Everyone is the same. What are the four digits you're putting in?
- 8096.
- Ok... I'm seeing in your records that the last 4 of your social is 1265.
- Nah... 8096.
- This is your official record for payroll... your last 4 aren't 1265?
- Oh, you mean like, my main social? Yeah that might be it.
- Uh...
- Ok, I'll try 1265 and call you back. Bye.
- Can you guys help me? My electric stapler stopped working and I need to staple some things.
- Well, we don't handle staplers, but... did you try changing the batteries?
- No I don't want to mess with it, I'm not tech savvy like you guys... if I screw the thing up, it comes out of my paycheck, you know?
- Well it's like anything else with batteries. Your remote control, flashlight... I'm sure you'll do fine.
- Ugh... ok, i'll try it and call you back when I'm done.
- What did you guys do to my email signature? My picture don't show up at the bottom anymore!
- We didn't do anything.
- No no no, don't play that game with me... I saw the guy up here taking staff pictures of the new guys yesterday, now all of a sudden mine isn't showin' up.
- Well I don't see how the two events are related, but at any rate, send me a test email.
- Ok. Ok I sent it.
- Yep, I see it. Your picture looks fine. And I'm checking the URL path and it shows up there as well.
- Bullshit... I'm tellin ya, it ain't there! Now you gonna fix it or what??
- Ok, I'm telling you that I've just proven that it is there. There's nothing to fix.
- This fuckin' guy... ok smarty, tell me how it is then that you're magically seein' this picture and I'm not?!
- I don't know what to tell you. I see your name, title, phone number, and then under that your photo.
- Yeah, see mine only shows my name and title! You think I'm lyin' here?!
- Have you scrolled down all the way?
- Whaddaya mean...
- ...
- Oh, I see... so I gotta scroll down for it now? It never used to be that way. Can I change that so people don't have to scroll down to see my photo?
- Yes. Write a shorter email.
- Well shit, if that's all it is I coulda told you that.
- Somehow I doubt that. Anything else I can help you with?
- Yeah, lemme call you back though, ok?
- Hi, I'm a new Internet Salesman here... howcome my email doesn't work?
- Could you be more specific as to what the problem is?
- I type it into the bar and I just get the company webpage or something.
- What "bar"? Can you walk me through what you're doing, step by step?
- Sure. So I click on the blue E... then, in the bar, I type 'www.marksmith@***.com', and I get the same page every time that goes nowhere.
- You said you're the new Internet Salesman?
- Right.
- But obviously you've never used email before.
- Well I'm familiar with email but I don't use it, no.
- No, you're obviously not familiar in any way with email, because this isn't even close to how email works, and what you're typing is not your email address. They just hire people left and right for Internet Sales, regardless of whether or not they know how to use email?? Unbelievable.
- Um...
- No offense to you... evidently, they should've put you in another position. This company is atrocious. Have your coworker show you how to use email- I.T. doesn't train employees.
- Oook... bye.
- Yep.
7.16.06 Edit: How pathetic is this... my traffic logs show that people are now getting to my website through Google searches of "electric stapler won't work" and "why doesn't my picture show up in my email signature". My, what an unpleasant surprise they're in for...