WHAT OPPOSABLE THUMBS WERE MEANT FOR. 7.15.06
To combat the lack of air conditioning in my living room, my wonderful mother (one of the few deserving of Mother's Day) surprised me with a fancy-ass Holmes fan. The shit oscillates... I'll just leave it at that.
Now, as funky as the thing is, what really got my panties in a bunch was the fact that it came with a remote. I mean, this is dangerous- you wouldn't give a credit card to a shopaholic, and in much the same way, you ought never to give me any excuse to be more lazy than I already am.
Last week, if you'd have touted the value of such a gimmick, I'm fairly sure I would've made some remark about remote controls being for fat people who wouldn't be able to use them anyway because the remotes would always be getting lost in their lazy sweaty fat rolls that smell like salami... something like that. But, having spent some time with it, I've decided this remote thing really is where it's at. Of course, lethargy begets lethargy, and when you've got a remote for your TV and a remote for your fan, well... why stop there?
What I really need now to complete the trifecta is a remote that brings me stuff from my fridge. Nothing state-of-the-art needed, just some contraption that can toss some munchies my way. Even if the remote just catapults a carton of O.J. onto the floor, I'm sure the contents would trickle down the hardwood to me at some point. Thanks fridge remote, I'll just lean over and lap it up when it gets towards the couch. We make a good team.
Look people, we have to face facts. Dolphins and Jack Russell Terriers are getting smarter by the minute. The only thing we humans can take to the bank is the fact that our opposable thumbs facilitate the creation of intricate devices... devices that free up our bodies to do more important things, like spend all weekend tracking down blurry naked photos of Kristin Kreuk on the Internet. Remotes are like the rubber bracelets of mankind: a testament to your pride and dedication to the species. You can never have too many, and if you have less than two, you're probably a communist.
So do your part for all of humanity: get out there and buy some crap- any crap at all- as long as it comes with a remote. Better yet, stay where you are, and order a remote online that goes out and buys other remotes for you. Bed sores are my generation's Purple Heart.