LANGERS® JUICE HAS A DISTURBING RECIPE. 6.20.06
Juice companies have always been notorious for their deplorable money-making cons and amoral business tactics, and the latest comes from little-known Langers® Juice Company.
Sure, they have delectable flavor combinations like Pineapple Coconut and Cranberry Pomegranate... but the fantastic taste made me wonder, "how do they manage to get such great flavor at such low prices?" Behold, Langers' dirty little secret: the "other juice".
Surely it takes up less real estate on the label to actually divulge what this other juice is, rather than allude to its presence... what do you have to hide, Langers? The fancy still life on the package is no help either, conveniently devoid of "other juice" imagery... just pomegranate and cranberry as far as the eye can see. It's at this point that fear starts to set in. What juice could be so devastatingly horrid, so utterly terrifying, that a company would be forced to deny its existence in their product? Well, if you've ever spent time in the forgotten forests of Tunisia, you already know what I'm about to say.
The ancient Berber Tribe of Tunisia, who lurked in the forests and ate the skin of neighboring tribes, believed that the gods would grant all the people the gift of eternal life, so long as they sacrificed enough sacred nectar to appease those gods. That sacred nectar... was the liquified innards of small children.
The women would always bear more than two children, and any child born after the first two would be sacrificed. They would be sent to the "head juicer"- the most respected man in the tribe, who used a primitive vice-like tool to compress the heads of the children to the point that the contents dropped into a bucket below. Horrifying.
But, what does that have to do with Langers? What doesn't it have to do with it! This is an excerpt from their "about" page. Not convinced? I suppose "head juicer" could be misconstrued, sure... but read a little further down.
Look, you can choose to turn the other cheek if you like, but you simply can't deny that Langers is slaughtering little children and making them into lip-smacking flavors for your consumption. If you can live with that on your conscience, then by all means, drink up.
And send me a bottle, because that shit is tasty as hell.