APPLE GARBAGEBAND. 6.28.06
I recently started using Apple's digital audio software, GarageBand. It seemed like a good program for lazy folk like me, and it's pretty. But, in using it during my Pocono recording sessions recently, I found out that it only records 999 measures of continuous music, which turns out to be thirty-three minutes and sixteen seconds (at 120bpm).
Are you serious? Is this thing really made by Apple, the company that boasts promises of artistic freedom through consumption of their products? Do you mean to tell me that there wasn't one solitary jam-loving, clove-smoking, underwear-free hippie on GarageBand's software development team? What the hell is the point of this? I don't need GarageBand to protect me from the terrors of hard drive usage... if I want my entire 60gb drive eaten up by a single song, let me go for the gusto.
Anyone who has played in a jam band knows this is a total vibe killer. But for those of you who can't sympathize with my plight here, let's picture our lives with other things that "protect you" by putting limits on your usage.
You're making a ham'n'cheese sammich. You slap two slices of ham on there. Everything's cool. Then, you put another two slices on after the cheese. Okay, not a problem... some people just love ham; Hillshire Farms respects your decision. But maybe today, you decide you just want to eat ham until the pigs come home (which they won't, because they all reside on your sandwich by now). You gently place the final two slices on the sandwich, and all of a sudden the whole concoction flies apart like a meat grenade, and there's ham all over your kitchen walls and covering your face. You greedy bastard, it's a good thing your sandwich was there to stop you from eating that heart attack special.
Or what about condoms? Most people spend less than 5 minutes having actual intercourse. Howsabout the Trojan Man ensures that no one gets too freaky by creating condoms that disintegrate after 30 straight minutes of use. Surely you have more important things to do with your time, right? I mean, you could have watched an entire re-run of Seinfeld in that period. So let's just facilitate that thinking by stopping you in mid-stride; not just stopping, but turning your innocent enjoyment into a severe health threat. Yeah, you'll thank us for that later. Maybe not today, maybe not tommorrow... but maybe someday when you're driving your nine mistakes to soccer practice in an Econoline.
But, Apple is so cool, so individualistic, so "with-it"... maybe it's me who needs to shape up. That's it, no more free-flowing jams for me and my friends- from now on I'm a four-minute man! Thank you Apple, for showing me the error of my creative ways!