CONSERVING ENERGY DURING THE HEAT WAVE. 8.2.06
New York is like a giant rotisserie oven this week. A rotisserie that smells like dead fish and vomit. It's too hot to even bother updating the blog, but I'm doing it anyway for you bastards. My compromise is that I'm not going to proofread it. I'm just gonna run through this bitch one time and hit save, and that's it, because by the time I finish tonight, my laptop will have sauteed my genitals. I'm sure glad the Super in my apartment building talked me out of getting a new A/C unit last year. Real happy about that.
During these trying times, you have to know how to conserve your energy. When the mercury hits triple digits in the city, you know you're only going to have one good eight-second spurt of kinetic performance, and then the rest of your day will be shot.
Now for me, there's really only one reasonable thing to do with such a small amount of expendable energy: when you come across that one person during the day who really, really pisses you off (perhaps it's the woman in front of you getting on the bus, who drops her wallet and holds up the line for two minutes as she reaches down for every single penny and grandkid photo), you just reach deep down into your soul, ball your fist, load up, and demolish that person's face with your hand. Just put them right on the fucking ground with one hit, because by the time you follow through, you'll have passed out right next to them. Thing is, if that's where you're going to spend your energy, you'll have to conserve in other areas.
FLUID CONSUMPTION
Your friends would have you believe that you should be drinking plenty of water during the heat wave. That's a little short-sighted, don't you think? I mean, are they considering the fact that you have to walk into the bodega, locate the water, walk to the counter, pay for it, walk out, and crack open the bottle? Sounds like a pile of wasted energy if you ask me. What I suggest instead is that you walk until you're about to pass out, then gracefully fall down near a puddle of air conditioner exhaust. Suck up as much liquid off the sidewalk as you can, being careful that the pigeons don't muscle in on your nutrition.
CLEAVAGE OGLING
The prevalence of exposed sweater puppies in summer is probably the best reason to get up in the morning. Unfortunately, it takes a surprising amount of effort to look at (and drool over) all those goodies walking down the street. It's even more dangerous for those of us who are willing to change our direction of travel in order to follow said goodies for a few blocks... and onto the 6 train... and back to their neighborhood. If you want to keep that reserve tank full during the heat wave, you've got to take the high road and forget about all that crap. If you need your fix, you can always come back to good ol' CWW for a complimentary glimpse of some grade-A twins.
BABIES AND PETS
So... you're just going to haul another entity around with you in this heat, just for shits and giggles? Talk about inefficiency. Look, if you've gotta have a baby strapped to your chest, make it work for you. Super-glue one of those personal fans onto its head, and a refreshing facial breeeze is your reward. If you're walking your dog, strap a generator and a minifridge onto its back, and hook its legs up to the generator. Dogs love being active and shit; they'll walk all day long, powering the minifridge you've stocked with light beer and ice cream. Now that's some fine dog walkin'.