DEAR BONO: SCREW YOU. 6.15.06
Dear Bono,
As the second coming of Jesus, I'm sure you have your hands full. Still, I was hoping that perhaps you could take a minute to clarify your latest bout of selfless benevolence: getting paid to do the voiceover for ESPN's recent World Cup Ads. I guess I'm just a little befuddled about what you've been saying in those ads... that somehow this international soccer competition halts global violence, brings people together, solves political issues, etc. Because, well, this is what I remember about international soccer:
- Fans have beaten and killed fans of the same team for accidentally wearing rival colors
- Fans riot when their team loses
- Players receive death threats from fans when they make a game-losing mistake
- Fans riot when their team wins
- European fans hurl racial epithets at dark-skinned players, including players on the team they're rooting for
- Fans riot when their team ties
- English Police actually have a specific term for soccer-induced violence: "hooliganism"
- Fans riot when their team has the day off
- Angry spectators are known to heave objects onto the field, including lit flares
Need I go on, my dear Bono? Soccer is a sport, and a sport is a war that has been neutered. Instead of Raytheon and Lockheed Martin providing the weapons, it's Puma and Adidas. Doesn't make a difference in the end; in fact, I feel better about war violence than sporting violence, because at least war violence is usually ignited by fundamentals and ideals, whereas sporting violence is ignited by the fact that your team wears green and mine wears red.
If geography and shirt colors are reasonable excuses to be malicious to another human being, then why not pull up a chair in South Central LA and watch the Crips and Bloods go at it? Go Bloods! Shoot some holes in that twelve year-old riding his bike! Yeah!
So Bono, as you go back to being a self-righteous sack of crap (albiet now with a slightly larger bank account), I just want to remind you that there are a lot of misguided souls out there who think you have all the answers to the world's problems... if you won't admit to them that you're a naive idealist with gaping holes in your philosophical beliefs, then the least you could do is just stop opening your yap for money. Thanxx!