EXPLOITING EQUAL OPPORTUNITY. 11.7.06
As I sat in the McDonald's drive-thru, ordering my meal for the third time, a blog post struck me. In light of America's recent trend of embarrassingly "equal" opportunity practices, I've a few ideas that might make you second-guess the notion of such a politically utopian society.
Deaf, Spanish-speaking only drive-thru attendants. "Can I get a Quarter-Pounder with cheese?" "Que?" "Burger with cheese." "Que?" "Carne with fucking queso!" "...que?"
Strippers with Down Syndrome. "I'm sorry... the drooling, it's just not doing it for me." "Gnu wamna party big boyyye? Oh gneah, dat feelth thoooo gooood."
PETA activist butchers. "Excuse me, I'd like a half-pound of the peppercorn turkey." "I bet you would like that, you sick fuck. Well I got news for you: I set all the turkey breasts free last night! You can't hurt them anymore, hate monger!"
Southern black female as CEO of Kentucky Fried Chicken. "Mrs. Jones, aren't you concerned that 28% of our fried chicken inventory has mysteriously disappeared?" "Naw, don't worry yo'self 'bout that child. Anybody got some purple soda up in here?"
Homosexual child-molesting priests. (Oh I forgot, this already happens.)
Crack-addict policemen. "Hey copper, I'll give you my old VCR if you rip up that warrant." "Hooo lawdy, think'uh all the crack I could buy wiff dat!" (Yes, in my world, all crack addicts talk like Sambo)
Suburban white male dance choreographer. "Everybody ready? Okay, aaaand tap your left foot... now wiggle your finger..."