INCENTIVES TO CONTINUE LIVING. 10.27.06
I've always believed that a big reason why people hate getting old is the fact that there's absolutely nothing cool to look forward to after 21. You get to drive at 16 or 17, go to strip clubs at 18, drink at 21... and then what? Rent a car at 25? Run for president at 35? I wouldn't want to be the president of the U.S. at any age... no, I'm convinced that having better and more frequent milestones would significantly up the morale meter. In fact, I may as well suggest them myself, because god knows the gub'ment is too lazy to come up with their own ideas.
Age 29: From now on, everyone in the room is obligated to applaud whenever you fart. If you let out a machine-gun fart, everyone has to do the Arsenio Hall "woot" sound/arm movement.
Age 36: You are provided with a list of all your ex-girlfriends'/boyfriends' current addresses and phone numbers. If you've since become successful, you can call them up and gloat. If you're still a pimply-faced loser, you can call them up and see if they'll have sex with you for money.
Age 40: Spandex at the office is now totally acceptable for you, so head to WalMart and go on a shopping spree for a whole new work wardrobe.
Age 50: Bill Gates lets you run a division of Microsoft for eight hours. Is it possible to bury a trillion-dollar corporation in half a day? You'll soon find out.
Age 62: You are issued a velvet cape, an ostentatious gold cane, and two buxom strippers who will follow you around everywhere you go.
Age 75: You can now steal candy bars from supermarket check-out aisles with no repercussions. Have a Baby Ruth on us.
Age 88: You can now grope young girls' breasts without being charged with sexual assault. For some of you, this will be more action than you've ever gotten before.
Age 95: You can now be naked anytime, anywhere, for any reason you see fit. It's the ultimate birthday suit.
Age 96: On top of being able to walk around naked 24/7, you can now take a shit anywhere you please. Finally... sweet freedom.
Age 100: You are issued a .38 revolver, and are allowed to shoot in the kneecap anyone who says something you don't like. You can also shoot someone in the kneecap if they drive too fast, speak too softly, or dress in a manner that doesn't seem proper to you.
Age 105: You get a coupon for 50% off an assisted suicide. Because you shouldn't be living this long anyway, you shriveled up waste of space.